Sunday, May 3, 2009

Dear Mystery Illness, You SUCK!

As I'm sure the title alludes to, I am no better.  My arm and shoulder are swollen up to the base of my neck.  If you look at my shoulders in the mirror, I look decidedly lopsided.  Since there is still so much swelling, the pain has not gone away at all.  This means that I am on Vicoden 24/7.  So that makes driving impossible.  The pain makes alot impossible, actually.  I can't wash, dry or flat iron my hair.  Bandannas have become my best friend.  A shower has become a very long, arduous endeavor.  Cooking is far beyond me (which isn't a total loss, as we know how I used to feel about cooking).
The hematologist officially gave up this week.  Her nurse told me that she was only there to rule out cancer.  Nice, huh?  My doctor was under the impression that she was a super diagnostician who can figure out the mysteries.  Apparently that is only if you have cancer.  They recommended that I see a neurologist, so thats who sees me next.  I don't have my hopes up.
I think this illness is finally starting to get to me.  I'm in a lot of pain and right now there seems to be no end in sight.  I should be celebrating, worrying about finals and counting down the days until the end of my undergrad.  Instead I am trying to fill up endless hours with TV, books and my computer.  I can't go out because my arm hurts and being out on Vicoden is no bueno for me.  My dad doesn't seem to understand the extent of this and has frequently left me to fend for myself, which leads to me eating Baked Lays for my meals.  Its interesting that someone who recently went through a period of forced helplessness can be so callous.  He is upset that my mom is going to miss his graduation from the Duke summer program for a trip he has known about for months.  Seriously?  I kind of want to hit him and shout "At least you ARE graduating!"  I have no idea when I will be back at school and therefore no idea when I will graduate.  I took so many things for granted before and I will appreciate so much when I'm healthy again.
My animals have been a bright spot through all of this.  Karma will not leave my side if I am in the house.  Dixie is the same way and her obedience has been impecable.  She has never once jumped at my arm.  Indie is a goof and is always fun to watch.  They are keeping me sane right now.