My animals are the bright spot in this illness

So the mystery illness has started to take its toll on my body.  The past two days I have felt truly sick.  I have no energy and I just feel blah.  My left side keeps swelling and it just sucks.  My arm hurts a lot.  No one knows why anything is going on and I think that is starting to wear on me mentally.  I haven't seen anyone other than my family since I moved home.  I can't do much of anything.  Going out to the mall and walking around for an hour or two totally exhausts me.  It is very frustrating when I was so independent.

Karma and Dixie have been fabulous.  They both stay by my side around the house.  Dixie is so good around me and never jumps on my arm.  That dog has always been my rock and she continues to be that for me.  Karma stays by me too and is always ready to be my little lover.  She sleeps by me and sits with me and just purrs.  She is a bit of a brat to others (she has a foul mouth) but that cat adores me and I love her too.  I tell people that she treats me like her long lost kitten.  She even gives me kisses!

If things had gone according to plan, I would have walked today

Today was supposed to have been my graduation day.  My farewell to NC State and the past four years.  My cousin, my best friend, a ton of my close friends all graduated today.  I am elated for them, I really am.  But it hurts, since my world is a giant question mark.  I can't move on because I have no diagnosis.  I feel as though I am stuck in limbo, like someone paused my life and forgot to hit play again.

I'm trying to stay upbeat about this, I promise.  If I say anything other than something hopeful, my family starts up with "encouraging" things like "this won't be going on forever" or "you'll be back in school this fall!" and "its not a big deal, you will still graduate."  I know these things.  Well, I don't really.  I just wish that they could acknowledge that we don't know where I will be in the coming months because we can't figure out what is wrong with me.

It is also draining to live in a house where you are mocked for not ascribing to a certain set of religious and thereby political beliefs.  I said I didn't care who our President prayed to as long as he was doing a good job running the country.  This shocked everyone and got the rebuttal of "yea, well, what about eternity?"  Not exactly an open environment for dissenting opinions and reason-based debate.

Ah well, anyways...

CONGRATULATIONS Deidre, Annette, Kristin and everyone else!  I am so proud of everyone! 

Dear Mystery Illness, You SUCK!

As I'm sure the title alludes to, I am no better.  My arm and shoulder are swollen up to the base of my neck.  If you look at my shoulders in the mirror, I look decidedly lopsided.  Since there is still so much swelling, the pain has not gone away at all.  This means that I am on Vicoden 24/7.  So that makes driving impossible.  The pain makes alot impossible, actually.  I can't wash, dry or flat iron my hair.  Bandannas have become my best friend.  A shower has become a very long, arduous endeavor.  Cooking is far beyond me (which isn't a total loss, as we know how I used to feel about cooking).

The hematologist officially gave up this week.  Her nurse told me that she was only there to rule out cancer.  Nice, huh?  My doctor was under the impression that she was a super diagnostician who can figure out the mysteries.  Apparently that is only if you have cancer.  They recommended that I see a neurologist, so thats who sees me next.  I don't have my hopes up.

I think this illness is finally starting to get to me.  I'm in a lot of pain and right now there seems to be no end in sight.  I should be celebrating, worrying about finals and counting down the days until the end of my undergrad.  Instead I am trying to fill up endless hours with TV, books and my computer.  I can't go out because my arm hurts and being out on Vicoden is no bueno for me.  My dad doesn't seem to understand the extent of this and has frequently left me to fend for myself, which leads to me eating Baked Lays for my meals.  Its interesting that someone who recently went through a period of forced helplessness can be so callous.  He is upset that my mom is going to miss his graduation from the Duke summer program for a trip he has known about for months.  Seriously?  I kind of want to hit him and shout "At least you ARE graduating!"  I have no idea when I will be back at school and therefore no idea when I will graduate.  I took so many things for granted before and I will appreciate so much when I'm healthy again.

My animals have been a bright spot through all of this.  Karma will not leave my side if I am in the house.  Dixie is the same way and her obedience has been impecable.  She has never once jumped at my arm.  Indie is a goof and is always fun to watch.  They are keeping me sane right now.

Sometimes I don't want to believe my ears

So as I was heating up my dinner tonight, my dad had on the CBS Evening News and I was listening half-heartedly when this story came on (http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/04/30/eveningnews/main4981452.shtml).  I very nearly gave myself whiplash when I heard this: "Why would you care? If we get the information we needed and America is better protected, who cares?" replied former CIA officer Michael Scheueur. "These are not Americans."

I know my jaw hit the floor.  Now, let me say that I harbor no love for murders of any type.  But really?  These people can be tortured and it is perfectly ok because they aren't Americans?!? To me this just smacks of the racism and sexism that our country has worked so hard to overcome.  Why are we allowed to determine that a non-American is less of a person?  How can anyone think it is ok to take away another person's humanity?  I get it, these are people who were willing to commit terrible crimes.  But to torture them and then disregard them so?  You make them no better than animals.

Many of the terrorists were doing what they felt was called for by their religion.  So many Christians today smirk down their noses at all Muslims because of these few.  Perhaps one should examine their own history before becoming so arrogant and smug.  The atrocities committed in the name of Jesus are appalling.  But, those are ok, because it was in the name of Jesus, right?  It is ok to dehumanize a fellow man as long as he is not and American (and that usually follows with the Christian caveat).

We wonder why the entire world holds little love for us.  Well, people, maybe this is why.  We allow people to make these terribly crass statements on national evening news programs.  Why would they not think we have a god complex?

Regularly scheduled blogging will return soon, but this boggled my mind and I had to get it out. 

I've been a bad, bad blogger

I know, I know.  I have neglected my poor blog for over a week (I think).  But hey, at least I am remedying the situation before it managed to sink into bloggy depression.

Dixie and I went to Charleston to visit with my grandparents, (great) Aunt Ann and (great) Uncle Sam. My mom also came down and a great time was had by all.  Dixie managed to charm everyone, especially Aunt Ann.  She once again proved that she is the best dog in the world.  There was nearly no fighting or grouchiness.

Dixie, Indie and I were supposed to walk in the SPCA K9 3K, but Dixie got into something toxic and I had to rush her to the emergency vet for what we thought were petit mal seizures.  She stayed over night on IV fluids and then I transferred her to where I worked before I got sick.  950$ later she is perfectly healthy and I owe my dad a small part of my soul.

On Tuesday, my mystery illness got worse.  My whole arm is swollen and the pain has reached a new level of excruciating.  The hematologist thought it was a blood clot, so off I went to let an ultrasound technician press on my super tender arm.  Yea, no blood clot.  So now we are waiting on bloodwork results and I am headed to a pain management clinic on Monday.

So now I have completely moved home and am constantly on narcotics, so I can't drive anywhere.  Although going out for more than an hour or two is more than I can handle at the moment.  Such is like with the mystery illness.

The Rainbow Bridge is brighter today

My brother's heart dog passed away today.  Spot was 14 years old, which was truly amazing, since he was 114 lbs.  He was a very special dog with an amazing personality.  Everyone fell in love with him and he loved most people.  He had a huge bark, but was a total chicken.  He and Andrew fell for each other at our old church's bazaar when he was a wiggly hound puppy.

Our family was truly lucky that we were all together with him today.  He had everyone he loved today.

Here are two of my favorite poems:

Walk With An Old Dog" -- by Gayl Jokiel

Because you will not be forever,


Hope against time though I may,


I paint your picture in my memory,


Eyes blue with age, muzzle gone gray.


Because you walked with me in Springtime,


Puppy-clumsy, running free.


As you grew, we grew together-


You became a part of me.


Because you shared with me my sorrows,


Not understanding- simply there.


Often spurring me to laughter—


My friend, you know how much I care.


Because the years have slowed your fleetness,


Though your spirit still is strong.


I promise I will take more time now,


So that you can go along.


Because you do not fear the future,


Living only in the now,


I draw strength from your example-


Yet time keeps slipping by somehow.


Because the day will soon be coming


When I will no longer see


You rise to greet me-but in memory


You will always walk with me.

The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. 

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. 
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. 
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. 

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. 
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. 

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. 

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. 

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... 

Author unknown...

My immune system and I need to have a heart to heart

So my doctor put me on 2 new meds, one antibiotic I haven't been on yet on the off chance I have some rare form of cat scratch disease, the other a possible alternative to the percocet.  Unfortunately, as the day progressed, I started turning into my allergic alter-ego with red spots all over and a nice sexy wheeze (haha).

In 22 years of having allergies I have never had any medication allergies.  Now, within a month, I've had 2 pop up.  Already it seems that my immune system is a bit wonky, since I have a swollen upper arm and tons of pain, but this is getting a little ridiculous.

The stumped doctor count is up to 9 now.  They are going to send me to a hematologist/oncologist who has been compared to Dr. House and can apparently find the right diagnosis no matter how rare it is.

Now I'm off to continue to drug myself with Benadryl and hope I'm not red and splotchy on Thursday.